Did you know that the Beverly Hill Billies Movie premieres on October 15? And almost of equal importance, did you know that October 15th is Kathy Cashin’s birthday?
Well now you know. And why are these two events important?
Because YOU are invited to…
A Clampett
Birthday Party!
That’s right, you and your co-invitees will have the time of your lives celebrating Kathy’s 30th* birthday . Come see an actual ceeement pond, drink moonshine, and eat home-cooked vittles like that famous Tennessee surf & turf combo of crawdads and hog jowls.
Don’t forget the dress code. Over hauls are appropriate, but you can wear your best jeans like Ellie May or Jethro. Use a rope for a belt.
If you want to dress up, that’s just fine. Come as Jane Hathaway or Mr. Drysdale. (This is sort of a pre-Halloween thing, see.)
Date: October 15 (like we said before)
Time: 8pm until the cows come home
Dress: Worn, but clean
Location: 1234 Rae Place, Lawrenceville
(see map)
R.S.V.P.† Jeb @ 593-1234 day
985-1234 night
* So she’ll be Granny.
† réspondez s’il vous plaît (That’s French.)
Please complete and bring invitation:
Three funny things I remember on the Beverly Hill Billies are:
1. ____________________________
____________________________
2. ____________________________
____________________________
3. ____________________________
____________________________
ex. Jethro’s car phone (had 3 miles of phone wire on a spool)
Bring your invitation for the sing along….
The Ballad of Jed Clampett*
Flatt & Scruggs
Come and listen to a story ’bout a man name Clarence,
Poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
And then one day he was shootin’ for some food,
When up from the ground came a bublin” crude.
(Oil that is. Black gold. Texas tea.)
Well, the next thing you know old Jed’s a millionaire,
The kin folk said, “Jed, move away from there!”
They said, “Californee is the place you ought to be.”
So they loaded up the mini van and moved to Beverly.
(Hills that is. Swimmin’ pools. Movie stars.)
(banjo rift) Ding ding a ling ling ding a ling
Now it’s time to say goodbye to Jed and all his kin,
We’d like to thank you all for kindly droppin’ in.
Join us all back here next week at this locality,
and have aheapin’ helpin of their hospitality.
(Sit a spell. Take your clothes off. Y’all come back now, ya’ hear?)
* Win bonus points by circling the three glaring errors.
Clampet Trivia
001
How much money did the Clampets have in the bank?
A) $125 Million B) $50 Million C) $15 Million
002
What did Granny use to make soap?
X) Lye and opossum fat. Y) White glue and ash. Z) Fat back and corn oil.
003
Jethro was born with _____________.
E) A full head of hair. F) A tooth in his heel. G) A full set of teeth.
004
Jane Hathaway had a crush on __________________.
1) Jethro 2) Jed Clampet 3) Elvis
005
What was tied around Jethro’s neck when he was a baby?
4) A cow bell, so he wouldn’t get lost.
5) A necklace of garlic to keep fleas off.
6) His ears, to keep them from scraping on the ground.
006
Who discovered Jed Clampet and his oil field?
X) John Brewster. Y) Jane Hathaway. Z) Mr. Drysedale.
007
Uncle Jed was proud of Jethro’s education. How many years of schooling did Jethro complete?
1) Through high school. 2) Through sixth grade. 3) Through one semester of trade school.
008
What is a “gazenta” and how?
7) One of Ellie May’s animals. A cross between a gazelle and a cheetah.
8) A Tennessee expression that menas “God Bless You.”
9) A mathematical expression used by Jethro when ciphering.
009
How many rooms are in the Clampet mansion?
E) 32 F) 15 G) 50
010
How old is Granny?
X) 72 Y) 81 Z) The family is not sure.
011
Where is the Clampet money?
4) Commerce Bank of Beverley Hills.
5) Beverley Hills Savings and Loan
6) In a vault in Mr. Dryesdale’s basement.
012
What was Uncle Jed’s bloodhound’s name?
A) Duke B) Dog C) Buck
013
What is the Dryesdale’s butler’s name?
A) Winston B) Perkins C) Milfred
014
Which job did Granny not have?
X) The Dryesdale’s maid
Y) Vice President of the Bank Building
Z) Mr. Dryesdale’s secretary
015
Jane Hathaway once quit her job at the bank to pursue a career as a…
A) Folk Singer B) Actress C) Magician
016
Who was the best shot in the Clampet household?
1) Jed 2) Jethro 3) Ellie May 4) Granny
017
What was Jane Hathaway’s nickname for Mr. Dryesdale?
A) Chief B) Captain C) General
018
What was a Bodinaphone?
A) A musical instrument invented by Jethro.
B) A portable truck phone invented by Jethro.
C) An intercom in Jethro’s bachelor pad that was connected to the kitchen.
019
Why did Ellie May’s goat get sick at the bank?
A) Because it ran all the way from the mansion to find Ellie May.
B) It ate too much money in the bank vault.
C) It ate Mr. Dryesdale’s chair.
020
What was Grannie’s relation to Jed.
7) Mother. 8) Grand mother. 9) Mother-in-law.
I told Kathy that if one of us didn’t fall over this cliff, the house surely would. So next I went to check the foundation. You could see the fault line cracking straight up through the foundation. About a fifth of the house was trying to fall over that cliff, just like California falling into the sea.
Later that night, he put the disguise on to avoid going to bed. “I’m not Danny. I’m a little old man.” So I told him that only the kids had to go to bed. Little Old Men could stay up as late as they wanted.
We had a showing of the house yesterday afternoon. The four of us went to Lucky Shoals park for a picnic lunch. Nicole taught Danny how to navigate under the over-hand bars. Danny was so excited that he came running to tell Kathy and me what he had done. We watched, and had to contain our laughter everytime his grip would loosen, he would look groundward, and fall with a bounce. He tried more than 20 times to go across, until his hands were red and bottom sore. I finally told him that he had done real well making it almost half way and that he should give his hands a rest. He was very proud, and so was his teacher. [See: