Mother and Son
Kathy Cashin
Spch 365
11/19/91
On a warm summer day, I stood alone in a field of flowers Looking into the distance, I smiled. I knelt down and stretched my arms wide open. A little boy with floppy brown hair and a giggle ran into my embrace. I hugged him tightly. We laughed. I had that dream when I was seventeen years old, and from that moment I thought how nice it would be to have a son. At the age of twenty-three, I was pregnant for a second time. Until the last trimester of the pregnancy I wanted a boy. During the sixth month, I realized that the child inside of me was quite active and very strong. I would cry to my husband that we were going to have a baby boy and it was going to be awful. I was certain this baby was a boy, and I feared he would be a terror. Although I had dreamt of having a son, the idea that my new baby was a boy terrified me. On July 26, 1987, I bore my second child and only son, Danny. From the moment my husband said, “Kathy, it’s a boy”, my fear disappeared and my dream became a reality. Over the past four years, Danny and I have been inseparable. The only times we are not together is when I am in class at Georgia State. Danny is my best buddy and my most ardent admirer. Everyday over the past four years he has made me laugh, if not at least giving me a reason to smile.
I hope that I am establishing the foundation for a good and healthy lifelong relationship with my son. I do not want to be so attached to Danny that I cannot give him the freedom to live his life as he chooses, nor do I want him so attached to me that he feels no other woman can compare to his mother. Danny and I are very close. Societal and familial pressures are telling me to separate from Danny, it is time for him to start becoming man. I still see him as my baby, and I allow him to act like a child. After all, he is only four years old and he is allowed to be a little boy. Although I have allowed Danny to be babied, I am not producing a “Momma’s Boy”, but I am encouraging his development of self-esteem.
I have always liked men. I grew up with two brothers, and the only female I felt close to was my mother. In the neighborhood where I grew up, most of the children my age were boys. If I wanted to play with them, I had to play their games. I enjoyed being part of the boys’ world and felt privileged to be included among them. Weiss believes that early experiences with males influences how a woman reacts to her son. He states that a son “arouses the male imagery that has accumulated” since a woman’s childhood and that the mother will expect her son to be like all the other males she has encountered (30-32). A memory of trying to get my brother to do something I wanted, is my earliest memory of dealing with a male. I remember trying to get him to shut a door, but he would not do as I said. My mother then asked him to shut the door and he immediately obliged. Instances such as that bothered me. Now, twenty years later, I see the same situation occuring in my own household. My daughter will tell my son to do something and he will not listen to her, but when I make the same request, Danny will respond as I have asked. I get a great deal of satisfaction from these situations. Either I am resolving past negative feelings toward my brother or I am feeling the power of motherhood.
After the birth of my son, the interpersonal communication between Danny and me developed rapidly. It became easier to develop a relationship with Danny after I could see and touch him and he could respond to me. Our relationship flourished because of our continual interaction with each other. I always held Danny and took him everywhere with me. Unless he was sleeping, I kept him in the same room with me. Klein states that during infancy a mother gives more attention to her son than she would to an infant daughter (44). I felt freer and more comfortable playing with Danny than I did with my infant daughter. Weiss takes this observation further. She believes that not only does the mother show more affection to a son, but she says that the son also shows more affection than a daughter (41). Danny preferred my company over others. When my mother would see us together she would say “Danny loves you so much”. His affection for me was evident to onlookers. I do not recall anyone saying the same thing about my daughter.
Danny became attached to me because I was the one who spent the most time with him, attending to his needs and socializing with him. He did not become attached to me because I am his mother. Klein’s research includes studies by John Bowlby, an early researcher of attachment studies. Bowlby identifies three distinct phases in a baby’s attachment to his or her primary caregiver. During the first few months of life, the baby identifies the main caregiver and develops “a strong liking” to be in the company of that person. Around six months of age, the baby demonstrates a strong preference for the primary caregiver. I have been Danny’s primary caregiver since his birth. From eighteen months to three years of age, the child is closely attached to the primary caregiver. “The child is happy while he or she is with the primary caregiver, but is distressed without the primary caregiver” (Klein 42). I have been with Danny continually, except for the occasional evening my husband and I go out and I when I leave him at the Georgia State Child Development Center so I may attend classes. Until he turned four, Danny did not want me to leave him, even though he was very familiar with the surroundings and the people with whom I left him. Like the phases Bowlby described, Danny did not become comfortable with me leaving him until shortly after his fourth birthday. When we returned to school in September, he was no longer clinging to me, begging me to stay. Now he kisses me and waves good-bye as soon as we walk in the door of the Center.
Because Danny is my last child, I think of him as my baby. This is the flaw in my relationship with him. Danny is labeled “the baby” and I tend to treat him as one. Although Dr. Dreikers’ ideas date back to 1964, a pediatrician strongly recommended his work, feeling that Dreikers is significant even in the 1990s. Dreikers states that the baby of the family has the advantage being waited upon (30). In my family, I do everything for Danny. Although I had my daughter making her bed and doing other small chores around the house at the age of four, I will clean up after Danny if he protests. He is young child and can learn to do household jobs at a later time. Dreikers says this is a disservice to the child, “being incapable and helpless brings mother’s attention and service” which does not allow independence to develop as long as “the easy way out” is taken (195). I may believe that Danny is too little to help around the house, but the reality is my life is easier if I do his jobs for him rather than listening to him crying or throwing tantrums.
As Danny develops independence, he becomes less dependent on me. Richman believes that as separation from the mother and father increases as the child grows, it is harder for the parent than for the child to handle because the child has less and less dependence on the parents (3). If my youngest child, is not dependent on me than I must recognize that he is maturing and growing up. I realize that I am getting older and am no longer as central to my child’s life as I used to be. At twenty-eight years old, I feel too young to start losing my children.
I reinforce Danny being “the baby” with the rest of the family. Dreikers finds this is especially true when taking sides with “the baby” against the older child. This reinforces the idea that “the ‘baby’ can demand special consideration” (Dreikers 211). Whenever my children fight, I usually scold my daughter, telling her that she should know better and is too big to be fighting with a four year old. I am not intentionally favoring my son, but subconsciously I am securing his dependence upon me as well as making sure he maintains his position as “the baby”.
Danny’s “baby” label has taught him that he can manipulate situations as well as manipulate me. Sons learn to manipulate their mothers because they sense she fears losing his love (Klein 89). I realize now that my son manipulates me in ways that he never tries with his father. I adore Danny’s attention towards me and I almost feel rejected if he chooses to do an activity with his father rather than do an activity with me. But Danny realizes how much I value his affections. If he wants something that he knows he cannot have he will press up against my side, look up at me with his big brown eyes, and very quitely, yet sweetly ask me for whatever is the object of his desire. It is hard to turn him down, and I usually give in to his request. If I deny Danny’s request, he will be upset. I like my boy to be happy.
Although I am sometimes unaware of being manipulated by Danny, there are times that I allow and invite manipulation. Weiss states that mothers often are “more subservient to their sons…intentionally losing to them at games, comparing their own ‘weakness’ as women to their son’s masculine strength” (55). One of Danny’s favorite games is to build barricades so that I cannot get out of a room. I play into the weak role of the woman every time he plays this game. Last time we played, I jumped over his barricade. It upset him.
The biggest societal and familial concern for a boy is that instead of creating a healthy relationship with her son, a mother will turn her boy into a “Momma’s Boy”. Weiss declares that at six months of age, the American culture says it is time to prepare a boy for manhood, and that a mother needs to start separating from her son (42). At a time when a baby is just beginning to form an attachment to the primary caregiver, usually the mother, the culture tells a woman it is time to break the bond with her son. A boy cannot form trusting attachments if the first person he begins bonding to withdraws from the relationship.
Mothering a son is a big responsibility. Forcey states that a mother constitutes “the key variable in the determination of the personality and characteristics” of her son (2). If my son turns out to be a “Momma’s Boy” it will be my doing. According to Forcey, I am solely responsible for my son’s basic nature. I have a duty to Danny and to society to shape a well-rounded individual within the small body of my son.
Most sources reinforce the idea that mothers need to withdraw from their sons to avoid creating a “Momma’s Boy”. Weiss asserts that a mother’s loving affections are not harmful, but it is “a mother’s restrictive and punitive behavior that feminizes her son” (43). I give Danny as much physical and emotional comfort that he wants from me. When I have problems with Danny, I do not harm his self-esteem by hitting. I talk with him on his level and try to explain why he should behave differently. I have even used assertive behavior with Danny to produce the results I want from him.
It has been established that for a son, his mother is the essence of what the world is about. Klein further supports this by saying that the boy learns through interaction with his mother “whether the world can be trusted, how to balance gratification and frustration, and how to love, and to understand his capacity to hurt or anger a loved one” (27). A boy learns about life mostly through his mother until the age of four or five. I owe it to Danny to establish a healthy relationship with him that he can apply to the other relationships he will have during his life.
It has become apparent that I have the primary responsibility of nurturing Danny’s self-esteem. Self-esteem is fostered through encouragement. Dreikers believes that “encouragement is more important than any other aspect of child raising” (36). I began encouraging Danny from the time of his birth and continue encouraging him today. Before each accomplishment I tell Danny that he will do well, and this has been especially important during the times he wants to give up because he says he “can’t do it”.
If Danny falls short of his expectations I continue to tell him that I love him and am proud of all that he accomplishes. Dreikers believes that stimulating a child is a “continuous process” that develops self-esteem (39). Throughout my life I will encourage both my children to be their best. The stronger Danny’s self-esteem becomes, the less he will cling to me for assurance. Eventually he will develop a self-concept that is positive enough that he will be able to confidently look within himself for any assurance he may need.
Although I feared having a son while I was pregnant with Danny, I felt very comfortable with him immediately after he was born. Although I felt familiar with Danny, I realized how foreign he was from me. His future holds the promise of getting to participate in all the activities I thought were so great, but could not join because I was a girl. But like the boys I used to play with as a child, I again feel privileged to be an intimate part of the world of men . I am lucky just to have a son. Since he his birth, Danny and I have been locked into the special union between mother and son. He is only four, yet he has the power to make each day special for me. My husband, my daughter and I dote over Danny all the time. How can I draw the line of where to stop? I will continue my close relationship with Danny, and when the time comes for him to start separating from me, he will let me know. And I will let him go, knowing that I have successfully raised a son.
Works Cited
Arcana, Judith. Every Mother’s Son. Garden City: Doubleday, 1983.
Dreikers, Rudolf. Children: The Challenge. New York: Hawthorn/Dutton, 1964.
Forcey, Linda R. Mothers of Sons. New York: Praeger, 1987.
Klein, Carol. Mothers and Sons. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1984.
Richman, Naomi, and Richard Lansdown. Problems of Preschool Children. New York: John Wiley and Sons, 1988.
Weiss, Joan S. Raising a Son. New York: Summit, 1985.
Instead, remember these two things:
Danny wanted a mean pumpkin,
Frank and Stephanie went Thursday night. Frank was offered $500 cash for his ticket. He had told Stephanie that $1000 was his price, so he turned the guy down. Stephanie was also selling femo tomahawk pins that she had made. Those were going for $10 a piece, though Frank wanted to sell them for twice that.