11/27/05

Spud,

I used to think that I could love no other than Red, but that was before… Bethany. I almost made a love potion, but decided against it. Such a thing as love should not be tampered with. She was new, and the only empty seat in science class was the one across from me. She makes all A’s, although she is not on the level of intelligence as me. She is in all smart classes too. She is beautiful too. I often find myself taking pictures of her with the camera I had built into my glasses. I have a few good ones where she is looking right at me. Those, I painted. She is one of the few girls who actually talk to me too! I love her more than potatoes. Unfortunately, it seems all the other guys like her as well.

(my paintings of her)

She is very nice, and I think I have learned some things from my past experience with Red:

1. Don’t go sneaking around her house until she leaves, and then walk in talk to her parents about your future relationship with her when you have yet to have a relationship with her.

2. Don’t sniff her hair in the hallway

3. Don’t send her love notes out of used tissues when there is no other paper around

4. Don’t stare at her incessantly

5. Don’t follow her friends around and pester them with questions about her

6. Don’t compare her to potatoes… 🙁

7. Don’t ask her how much make up she is wearing

8. Don’t ask her if her hair color is her real hair color

9. Don’t blow model kisses made up of lipstick at her

10. Don’t talk to her about scabs or poop

11. Basically, don’t talk to her about things she wouldn’t want to hear

That is just a shortened list, there are other things as well, I just think that they are more common sense than the things listed here, although, after asking my mother to review the long list, my mom gave me this look that said, “You did that? How could you not know to do that?” She was upset to find out about me going to Red’s house without confronting her. I feel that if I follow these things then I will not do the other things.

I am progressing in my potato experiments. I found yet ANOTHER way that potatoes can reproduce, and I have found that they have 2 other genders. There is Male and Female, and then there is Effimale and Remale.

My sister seems to be maturing at an increasing rate now that she is in pre-school. My mother is letting us get a puppy, and I sold my mutated hermit crabs to some science establishment for $15,000. That will go to my college fund… although it does not need anymore money, so I will spend half of it on new science equipment. Fare the well!

–Bradford

To remember what happened last go to /kec/files/mt/archive/diaries_of_a_genius_series/index.html

8/13/05

Spud,

Oh Spud, I apologize for my unruly little sister. She is so aberrant. I found you covered with peanut butter, dried mucus, some acid type substance, drool, and what looked and smelled like dung. I am so exasperated that I have made a concoction that will have her nostrils covered with an extremely itchy rash by tomorrow. Mother and Father have been trying to get her to stop picking her nose. She has done a pretty good job so far, but tomorrow when she reaches her finger up to scratch her inside of her nose, and doesn’t listen to Mother, she will be in so much trouble and get the punishment that she deserved for ruining you. Oh, You’ll never be the same.

You missed my entire summer experience because of my sister. I am having trouble remembering what happened though because of the what turned out to be harmful fumes of the potato acid I have discovered. That is why i need you Spud, to recall those things that I have forgotten by the few experiment mishaps that occur in my lab.

School started on Monday. I was relieved to see that Red had not changed much. I hate changes. She asked me not to come to her house anymore while she was gone to go talk to her parents about our future together. She told me we had no future together. That scared me at first, the way I took this was that she was about to die of a serious illness. I called her parents as soon as I got home from school and they assured me that she was fine, and it was probably just puberty acting up on her. I bet that was it. Girls can be so temperamental at this age.

Well, over the summer, I did not spend any time on my popular dictionary… at least I think… hmm… You know, I don’t even remember going over and talking to Red’s parents over the Summer. Maybe 2 or 3 times, okay 7, but it seems that most of my memory of the summer as been wiped out.

I saw my buddy Rex at the Annual Math convention. He was the one who explained popular to me, and told me we never could be part of popular. Well, we got to talking, and we decided to start a math and science club at school with permission from the principal. Well, I talked to some of the popular friends i have, and I asked them to quit popular and join my club, and to bring Red with them too. I guess I said something funny because the laughed. Now i am positive I should become a comedian because I am funny without even knowing it. Well, they came, but the joked around the entire time (they laughed a lot at my science jokes though), and they didn’t even bring Red. Plus they didn’t quit popular. I decided that it was okay though, because it is good to be with the guys who like my jokes and inspired me to become a comedian.

Adeiu,

Bradford

1/6/05

Dear Spud,

I have not been visiting you recently because I needed to spend some quality time with Yams. I am working on trying to make potatoes healthy. I want to make a potato that has 100% of the following: Vitamin A, Vitamin B, Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Vitamin K, and Calcium. I have nearly achieved this by actually transferring these minerals into the potato’s DNA! It is very difficult, I must use a DNA transfer machine that I built. No time to talk about this, if you wanted to know about this kinda thing you wouldn’t be such a french fry and actually try to be friends with Yams. Okay, sorry, my imagination is getting to me. Ever since I saw Toy Story… Well now, things are going pretty good at school. I made Red stop sitting by me and let one of my REAL friends from popular sit by me. His name is Ricky, and is one of the more frequent users of the dialect popular. I have cracked a few more of the words:

Fo Shizzle: “Fo Shizzle my nizzle fa dizzle” it is sometimes used like this or other strange ways. Now, the first clue was that I thought “nizzle might be noggin. Since most of the strange words sound like the real words. “fa” must be a contraction for “for a”. So, when I saw “Fo shizzle my noggin for a dizzle”, I thought that dizzle could mean dollar. It all made perfect since. Most populars aren’t too smart. Fo shizzle :: For sale!!! “For sale, my noggin, for a dollar”

That took me a long time to figure out so I don’t have any more words to share with you. Well, I will NEVER say,”Fo Shizzle my nizzle fa dizzle”. That would be quite embarrassing. Sometimes I wonder if most the guys even know what they are saying… Well, it is way past my curfew. Boy, it is already 8:30. Goodnight!

Bradford

12/5/04

Dear Spud,

I don’t know what I was thinking! Having a girlfriend? That is something I will not need to have until college when I may think about getting married and having spuddlings I am sorry I haven’t written. I have had a mass of emotions over the past few days. Anyway, I think I have finally figured out the language of my friends in popular. Remember, it is not a club, okay? Here is a few words:

YO: It means… I am feeling quite dizzy as if I were a yo-yo. I have figured this out by watching their body language. As two, shall I say, “populars” approach each other, they walk in a way as if they felt like they were falling backwards. To try to maintain their way of movement. There also is a slight bounce to their step. This is usually how male populars approach one another.

WUSSUP: It means… simply, “What is above you?” Now, the response is usually, “Nothing” or, “Nothing much”. Where we live, skies are usually clear. I figure, if skies have some clouds then the reply is, “Nothing much”. It is as simple as that. Even somebody with the IQ of 10 can understand that!

Chill: Now, this is very commonly used when anybody gets red in the face from being a quaint upset. It looks as if they were all hot, chill means to cool down.

Homie: This means… you are accepted in their family and can come to their home at anytime. Close friends say this together.

“Yo my homie! WASSUP?”

“Aaw, man nuthin much, you?”

“Man, my home dawg Rob was all yuh know, wus the word… hyped up! Man, he had to just chill”

This would be a common conversation I might hear from my homies (I had to use that) Mike and Eddie. I’m pretty sure home dawg is the same as homie. I know it looks wrong, but people are dawgs, dogs are dogs. Very perplexing, I know. Well, I might as well be done with you for now.

Bradford

Dear Spud,

I found a note in my locker today. It is not from red, but another girl. Wait, before that, let me tell you about Red. She does not like me, at least not the way I do. My pal Rex told me that she was going to the social dance with my friend Chris. Chris is one of those people who have convinced me that I could make a pretty good comedian. Rex told me that “popular” is not a club, it is the cool people in club. He told me that Red is her real name! Good thing too, I was going to ask her what her real name was! I can never be excepted in to the popular group. I think that it is because I of my asthma. Maybe popular is a species which is vulnerable to it. Back to the note. It was a love note, from Bernie, or should I say Bernice. She is in love with me. People tell us we look alike with our brown messy hair, big glasses and blue eyes, pale complexion, freckles, we even both wear out pants above out belly buttons! Also, our laugh os the same and we snort. Bernie told me how she was in love with me since we met. Her affections for me were the same as mine for Red! I am in love all over again. I wish her to be my sweet heart, we might go out. I love Bernie!

Heart struck,

Bradford

Dear Spud,

Today I finally got to ask out Red. I am pretty sure she is going with me, but have not researched The mind of a woman quite enough. I have studied female potatoes! They are quite fascinating. You see, scientists like Schmitty Schmittenheimer, who are famous for their work, have always thought that potato plants were single sex, or really didn’t have one. I have been studying the DNA and genetics of potatoes far longer. If you really wanted to know you would have to be friends with Yams. Now Spud, I know you are jealous of Yams, but you really don’t know that Yams is jealous of you. Ok, really I can’t hide this from you any longer. You are not real, you are called an inanimate object. I would of told you sooner, just don’t let Yams know. He has no feelings, except for science. Science is the love of his life, as Red is mine. Now, this is what happened today. I asked Red out to the dance, sure that she would crawl in to my arms and say, “Oh Bradford, hold me.” Then I would say, “Dearest Red, call me potato. I am already holding you.” Then she would say,”And call me Yams, for I am truly your soul mate.” Then I would put her right side up and reply, “But Red, I can’t call you that, my science journal’s name is Yams.” Then she would coo,”You have a science journal named Yams? How romantic!” Then, I would say back, “I shall call you Yammy, because Yams are Yummy! And you are Yammy.” In the end, she would faint and I would pick her up and show her Yams. You are for me only, I do not wish for her to see you. What really happened was pretty good. “Yam- I mean Red, will you go to the dance with me?” Then she ran away laughing. Then, my friends- whom I learned today are members of club popular- were laughing to. Then I laughed. I ALWAYS do funny things with out meaning to. Maybe I should become a comedian… While I ponder ponder upon this thought, I will go to my room and think. Good Night my sweet Spud.

Bradford

11/16/04

Dearest Spud,

There is this VERY cute girl in school. She seems to be the leader of this… this club I guess. My fellow peers seem to call it “popular”, popular’s definition is: Widely liked or appreciated. So I figure this club is widely liked. If I join, I will be even more liked by this girl. Her name is Red, I doubt that is her real name. I think it is a code name for her club. Her real name is probably fine. I think the leader is the only one with a nick name. I have a LOT of friends. EVERYBODY wants to sit next ALL the time in class. Especially during tests. This is how I met Red. She told me that because she sits next to me, she is not failing. I see her take a peek at my wonderfully taken care of hands during our work. Admiring their beauty. i take good care of my hands and nails. She thinks i don’t see, but oh, do I ever! She must have trouble facing me, other times she ignores me. Yeah, I know deep down she is burning with passion and love for me, just to shy to let it out. If I sign up for Cub Popular, I could become her co. leader. We could both have nick names, yep, I can see it now! Potato and Red, Leaders of Club Popular. I think I will ask her to this social dance tomorrow. Potato and Red…

Sincerely,

Bradford

9/23/04

Dear Chronical,

Okay, I know what you are thinking. Diaries are for girls and not for guys. This is actually a common misconseption, diaries are for guys as well as girls. Diary is a girl name for it. Journal is more for science, so this will be called my Chronical I shall name you, Spud. I shall call you Spud for I will eat anything containing potatoes. They are quite fascinating, you know. Have you ever studied their growth habits, or anything they do? I have been studying them, and using them for many experiments. All of these are recorded in Yams, my science journal. That, is open for the public. You, Spud, are the only one in the world who will know how I think other than me. You are the window to my soul. To everything I am, and I trust you because you have no lips. I have not even told Albert or Einstein these things. They are my hermit crabs by the way. I gave their mother Genie a chemical as a test and made them siamese twins. I have told them that, but nobody else. Not even their mother! Their father Gus was eaten by my little sister, I have yet to classify her species, for surely she is not human! Well, this is where I must conclude this entry. Fare the well!

Bradford