Dear Spud,

Today I finally got to ask out Red. I am pretty sure she is going with me, but have not researched The mind of a woman quite enough. I have studied female potatoes! They are quite fascinating. You see, scientists like Schmitty Schmittenheimer, who are famous for their work, have always thought that potato plants were single sex, or really didn’t have one. I have been studying the DNA and genetics of potatoes far longer. If you really wanted to know you would have to be friends with Yams. Now Spud, I know you are jealous of Yams, but you really don’t know that Yams is jealous of you. Ok, really I can’t hide this from you any longer. You are not real, you are called an inanimate object. I would of told you sooner, just don’t let Yams know. He has no feelings, except for science. Science is the love of his life, as Red is mine. Now, this is what happened today. I asked Red out to the dance, sure that she would crawl in to my arms and say, “Oh Bradford, hold me.” Then I would say, “Dearest Red, call me potato. I am already holding you.” Then she would say,”And call me Yams, for I am truly your soul mate.” Then I would put her right side up and reply, “But Red, I can’t call you that, my science journal’s name is Yams.” Then she would coo,”You have a science journal named Yams? How romantic!” Then, I would say back, “I shall call you Yammy, because Yams are Yummy! And you are Yammy.” In the end, she would faint and I would pick her up and show her Yams. You are for me only, I do not wish for her to see you. What really happened was pretty good. “Yam- I mean Red, will you go to the dance with me?” Then she ran away laughing. Then, my friends- whom I learned today are members of club popular- were laughing to. Then I laughed. I ALWAYS do funny things with out meaning to. Maybe I should become a comedian… While I ponder ponder upon this thought, I will go to my room and think. Good Night my sweet Spud.

Bradford