Dear Spud,

I found a note in my locker today. It is not from red, but another girl. Wait, before that, let me tell you about Red. She does not like me, at least not the way I do. My pal Rex told me that she was going to the social dance with my friend Chris. Chris is one of those people who have convinced me that I could make a pretty good comedian. Rex told me that “popular” is not a club, it is the cool people in club. He told me that Red is her real name! Good thing too, I was going to ask her what her real name was! I can never be excepted in to the popular group. I think that it is because I of my asthma. Maybe popular is a species which is vulnerable to it. Back to the note. It was a love note, from Bernie, or should I say Bernice. She is in love with me. People tell us we look alike with our brown messy hair, big glasses and blue eyes, pale complexion, freckles, we even both wear out pants above out belly buttons! Also, our laugh os the same and we snort. Bernie told me how she was in love with me since we met. Her affections for me were the same as mine for Red! I am in love all over again. I wish her to be my sweet heart, we might go out. I love Bernie!

Heart struck,

Bradford

Dear Spud,

Today I finally got to ask out Red. I am pretty sure she is going with me, but have not researched The mind of a woman quite enough. I have studied female potatoes! They are quite fascinating. You see, scientists like Schmitty Schmittenheimer, who are famous for their work, have always thought that potato plants were single sex, or really didn’t have one. I have been studying the DNA and genetics of potatoes far longer. If you really wanted to know you would have to be friends with Yams. Now Spud, I know you are jealous of Yams, but you really don’t know that Yams is jealous of you. Ok, really I can’t hide this from you any longer. You are not real, you are called an inanimate object. I would of told you sooner, just don’t let Yams know. He has no feelings, except for science. Science is the love of his life, as Red is mine. Now, this is what happened today. I asked Red out to the dance, sure that she would crawl in to my arms and say, “Oh Bradford, hold me.” Then I would say, “Dearest Red, call me potato. I am already holding you.” Then she would say,”And call me Yams, for I am truly your soul mate.” Then I would put her right side up and reply, “But Red, I can’t call you that, my science journal’s name is Yams.” Then she would coo,”You have a science journal named Yams? How romantic!” Then, I would say back, “I shall call you Yammy, because Yams are Yummy! And you are Yammy.” In the end, she would faint and I would pick her up and show her Yams. You are for me only, I do not wish for her to see you. What really happened was pretty good. “Yam- I mean Red, will you go to the dance with me?” Then she ran away laughing. Then, my friends- whom I learned today are members of club popular- were laughing to. Then I laughed. I ALWAYS do funny things with out meaning to. Maybe I should become a comedian… While I ponder ponder upon this thought, I will go to my room and think. Good Night my sweet Spud.

Bradford

11/16/04

Dearest Spud,

There is this VERY cute girl in school. She seems to be the leader of this… this club I guess. My fellow peers seem to call it “popular”, popular’s definition is: Widely liked or appreciated. So I figure this club is widely liked. If I join, I will be even more liked by this girl. Her name is Red, I doubt that is her real name. I think it is a code name for her club. Her real name is probably fine. I think the leader is the only one with a nick name. I have a LOT of friends. EVERYBODY wants to sit next ALL the time in class. Especially during tests. This is how I met Red. She told me that because she sits next to me, she is not failing. I see her take a peek at my wonderfully taken care of hands during our work. Admiring their beauty. i take good care of my hands and nails. She thinks i don’t see, but oh, do I ever! She must have trouble facing me, other times she ignores me. Yeah, I know deep down she is burning with passion and love for me, just to shy to let it out. If I sign up for Cub Popular, I could become her co. leader. We could both have nick names, yep, I can see it now! Potato and Red, Leaders of Club Popular. I think I will ask her to this social dance tomorrow. Potato and Red…

Sincerely,

Bradford

9/23/04

Dear Chronical,

Okay, I know what you are thinking. Diaries are for girls and not for guys. This is actually a common misconseption, diaries are for guys as well as girls. Diary is a girl name for it. Journal is more for science, so this will be called my Chronical I shall name you, Spud. I shall call you Spud for I will eat anything containing potatoes. They are quite fascinating, you know. Have you ever studied their growth habits, or anything they do? I have been studying them, and using them for many experiments. All of these are recorded in Yams, my science journal. That, is open for the public. You, Spud, are the only one in the world who will know how I think other than me. You are the window to my soul. To everything I am, and I trust you because you have no lips. I have not even told Albert or Einstein these things. They are my hermit crabs by the way. I gave their mother Genie a chemical as a test and made them siamese twins. I have told them that, but nobody else. Not even their mother! Their father Gus was eaten by my little sister, I have yet to classify her species, for surely she is not human! Well, this is where I must conclude this entry. Fare the well!

Bradford